Unspoken Thoughts

Google images. Source: Pinterest The pursuit of love… not human love but Godly love. That’s what I need and where I have been going wrong. All this time I have been thinking the inner void and loneliness was because of my singleness and that maybe once I had a partner things would change. Boy oh boy have I been wrong 😔 I have just recently realised that I have been lacking something. Something nothing I or any other human can provide me with. I have been going through a cycle of things, overwhelming emotions. All of which have led to the making of wrong choices, a shift in focus to all the wrong things.  Besides trying my best to avoid sin, I am human and find myself slipping out a few lies every once in a while, bad speech, ill thoughts and intentions. And even though those things are somewhat easy to tame/control I have been unable to maintain a steady relationship with God. Yes I’m Christian, yes I read my Bible every day, yes I do good and avoid “great sin”, yes, ye...

I'm starting to sound like a broken record with my fear of love yet lover of love paradox speeches but *shrugs* I can't help it. Today though I'm sharing my ummm thoughts... ones I have more often than I ought to for a single gal 😔 So anyway.... I've always had a soft spot for "cute couples", you know, the ones who always seem to be happy and in love all the time. Affection filled pictures that I can't stop staring at.... well despite the cute and mushy stuff I also like the downsiee of relationships that no one ever shows or shares. I like to experience it all. And I picture it all the time. I want the next relationship I have to be filled with enough certainty that I'm able to get comfortable enough to live out my thoughts. I want to be there for my man as much as he is for me. I want him to wake up to my baked treats for breakfast, come home from work or a day/night out to a hot plate of my cooking, back rubs or foot rubs after a long day w...

Google Images "I, ***, take you, ***, to be my lawfully wedded husband/wife. To have and to hold for: Better or worse, Richer or poorer. In sickness and in health... 'Til death do us part" Scary those few words are... 'til death??? I mean that's a binding life long commitment that scares the heck out of me. What if things don't go as planned? What if this your lifetime partner happened to be the wrong one? What then? I know you can't just quit but then again you don't stay just because it's what is expected of you.... or do you? And with kids involved? oh my goodness don't get me started.  So, simply based on my past experiences which by the way weren't so great, I have been left unsure and afraid because well... here is a guy, he appears to be everything I'm looking for so I let my guard down and allow him into my heart/life. Few months in and it's all good. 1 year in and still going good. 1.5 years in and boom... jerk ...

So before this ‘blesser’ fad popped up we had the reign of the side chick. And we know how the internet is the praise temple of all things wrong/bad (don’t deny it, you know it’s true). Anyway it bothered me then and it bothers me now. What bothers me more are the women who attack the women that their men cheat on them with, I’ll explain. First of all, the person who owes you their loyalty is your partner NOT their mistress. The reason you’re hurting is because of YOUR PARTNER and not the other woman. The other person owes you zero loyalty and no explanation, they mean nothing to you and therefore have no way of causing you hurt. Your partner on the other hand, different story. You care for them, their actions have a bearing on your feelings, they promised you their love and loyalty. Who approached the mistress? Your man. Who made a move? Your man. Who lied to you? Your man. Who deceived you? Your man. Who’s in a relationship with you? Your man.  Some women will say, “The mistre...

A while ago I talked about learning to commit to a few things but last night while sitted in my room looking at pictures of “cute couples” and relationship quotes I found myself feeling a slight, dare I say, ‘couple envy’…. Yes, couple envy. I’ve mentioned my love for love a few times so that should explain it. Anyway, so I started to think “Why don’t I have that?” “Why am I single?” “Why can’t I have a happily ever after of my own?”…………..the answer? Well because I’m my own hindrance See, we all have had certain experiences that have caused us to have a certain degree of caution/worry/doubt/fear when it comes to certain things. For me, ‘certain things’ is relationships. Past relationships haven’t ended very well, been cheated on way too many times which beckons the thought “Is something so wrong with me that every one of my exes felt the need to cheat?” I’d like to think not but then that got me thinking that maybe I tolerated certain actions that I shouldn’t have and was blind to ma...

Hello :) (yea still can’t use emojis on here) anyway remember the complaints about school? And can you blame me, two indefinite closures, several go slows and class boycotts, I was mentally disrupted, lost focus but… **drumroll**… I managed to go on to my next year so woop woop *backflips* *moonwalks* and…..*jazz hands* lol okay I’m done. So, it was midnight, everyone in the house had gone to sleep, I’m a night owl so was watching t.v scrolling through channels trying to find something to watch when I saw ‘Nkani yamu sisi’ I like the show so I tuned in and the topic of discussion interested me so here we are… celibacy. First things first, what is to be celibate? Simply refraining from sex/sexual activity and/or marriage. Various people have different reasons for deciding to become celibate. Maybe after having had sex one decides to change for religious purposes or maybe they’ve just had enough or they’re tired of feeling like sex objects or just taking a break, there are several r...

Was in bed yesterday and at around 10:13am… *ding*… a notification on my phone. Twitter, opened it and it was a link to a blog I am highly addicted to, so I quickly sat up and clicked on that link so fast at the excitement of having something interesting to read. So there I was engulfed in the story of this chick who had found herself on a date with a guy who had a bit of an opinion about body counts and a woman with a body count of above 5 was deemed ‘loose’ or ‘easy’ thereby undateable or not wife material but he said for him it was okay because, and I quote, “he is a man”. *rolling eyes* Here goes another male specimen with a double standard about how men can sleep with whatever, whoever and with no problem but a female does it and she’s a ‘hoe’. Come on people. *sigh* Times now are different. They are not how they used to be when our parents were growing up and it wasn’t for them how it was when their parents or grandparents were growing up…. Sex today is taken so lightly and...

Growth… I was sooo eager to grow up and be an adult laden with responsibility, wisdom, bills, stress! How hard could it possibly be? The caterpillar seems to adjust pretty quick, it just comes out of its cocoon and bam, it knows how to fly, when to fly, what to eat, what not to eat so for a human that’s way more developed than a caterpillar, growth should be a breeze right?................. WRONG!! *sigh* The 20s man… high off the teenage years, just about over puberty, self- discovery, eager and filled with the zeal to live life, be wild all while trying to get yourself together and learn to be independent/be your own person, emancipated and doing a good job at messing it all up and making wrong decisions….. I can’t. Don’t know what I was thinking wanting to be older. Take me back to pre- school when my biggest struggle was deciding whether to colour my teeth purple or play in a pool of mud. So, with my birthday having been 2 weeks ago on the 1st of June, a few things came into p...

Hello… yes, yes, it’s been a while… oh how I’ve missed sitting down and emptying my thoughts down and getting to share them. School… aaarrggghh. Past two months have been crazy. Never been so uncertain about anything before. Hardest learning curve so far. I’ve had to put a lot of things in perspective you guys. I feel so defeated but no… we’re fighters, we take a few blows but we shake it off and keep swinging, you know, like the saying, “unless you puke, faint or die, keep going.” I did not follow through with getting my ducks in a row. That’s why today, I’m on about commitment, now this could be in so many areas so I’ll break it down in a few ways based on my struggles. School. Most times I’m just floating through feeling like I’m not even sure why I’m even going through all this ‘til I’m faced with the need to be better, do better, be great, learn, acquire knowledge then it makes sense. And even with that I’m faced with the struggle to stay consistent with study, keeping my grade...

Thought it was time for an update on the He Can Get It post... and so here goes: I had talked about the repulsion effect in that post... and had been thinking heavily about it. About how we tend to love the people that hate and hurt us or the ones we would never have a chance with. You know, the guys that make plans with you and you go all out to get ready. The perfect outfit, face beat, hair did and smelling good and then *ring-ring* he can't make it, all or most times but because you're so into him you keep putting up with it. Or the guys we're willing to lay it all for because we think we've found "the one" but he cheats and betrays your trust more than you know but when you find out, you forgive him because you love him. Then there's the guy that has you feeling all kinds of good. The almost perfect guy that knows just what to say to get you hooked and high on him. He's fun and exciting.... and in a relationship. You know you shouldn't ...

Hello :) Last week I spoke to someone I wish I had spoken to so much earlier. She's like my soul mate in a way. Lol yes that serious. We clicked at first text. It felt so good and refreshing to talk to someone who shares my thoughts and views on a lot of things. She's focused and driven, smart, well spoken, huge ambitions and passionate about a lot of things. She wants to do things, make things happen, and has set such high standards for herself. She's beautiful and dresses well too. [If you're reading this, yes it's totally you Tinashe :)] It made me so happy. knowing there are other females just like this gives me such a high. DISCLAIMER: I am no female activist. Just a female who loves to see fellow females doing great and amazing things. Now here in Africa, there's the idea that a girl child finally getting married is her greatest accomplishment. There's even a checklist: □ Primary education □ Secondary education □ Tertiary education □ Mar...

Hey y'all.... so yesterday the 4th of April there was a bus accident in which it is reported about 6 people died. Tragic. Especially for the families of the deceased. But... all over social media I only kept seeing condolences to one family. The one whose daughter was a bride to be. Of course absolutely nothing wrong with issuing out condolences. Only problem is this tendency to only feel remorse for and talk about the "celebrity". I'll explain. If there are 2 or 3 people in a vehicle and of those people one of them happens to be a famous person and then an accident occurs, the only person or person's family that will receive tons of love, remorse and have posts of condolences sent their way is that of the famous person. And this really bothers me because do the lives of the other victims not matter and go unnoticed because they were unknowns? No. Every life matters and cannot be measured or valued by one's level of popularity or wealth. So back to yes...

Just look at your younger self... lol... all the things you have come to learn now with your growth that had you known even the tiniest fraction of then would have made such a big difference. Hindsight.... beautiful thing, yes. But only as a way of learning. Foresight as a way around avoiding certain things. Look at how much just one mistake led to several events placing you where you are now. Mistakes bringing about lessons that have guided you and braced you with caution. Or maybe caused further recklessness because it's something you couldn't help but get accustomed to. Look at your young self not knowing how vital his/her choices were and how they led to you being well.. you. Many of us wish we could undo past decisions. Be it that good for nothing guy you wish you never gave the time of day or advice you may have ignored, bad company you should've never been in the company of, poor time management, choosing to not study for a paper because there was something more e...

So.... I'm into arts and crafts, DIY... anything I can do by myself I don't like to spend money on. From changing a light bulb to fixing a plug or socket to hammering something together, fixing a door handle, painting, braiding my hair all the way to the clothes I wear. I prefer to do things on my own from the phrase/saying: "If you want something done right do it yourself"  That's my motto. I prefer to be self sufficient and encourage others to do the same because there is nothing I hate more than having to be stranded and depend on someone else to come through only to disappoint me.  But don't get me wrong, where I'm unable to, I'm quick to ask for help. So school was forcibly/prematurely closed so i've been bored outta my mind.  But then I thought "hmm i like clothes. Why don't I get a little creative to pass the time" and got to it. Yesterday I came up with this little number Made the crop top out of a p...

You... are a container with the power and ability of containment. Yet you choose to relinquish it to be nothing but a mere vessel. Overcome with vanity I see you stop at nothing to adorn yourself with materialistic and meaningless charms, adornments, garments obsessed by trends and fashion. Hahahaha!  Now what? Here you are in gold, silver, diamonds, the finest silk and leather, the most enchanting of perfumes and for what? Oh yes, a pleasing sight indeed a most intricately woven portrait... but that's all you are... a mere (beautified) vessel. But oh my darling even the most beautiful and precious rose is bound to wilt. From the dust you rise and though you fight it, to the dust you return. You are not immune to the power of time... You are a mere vessel... of greatness!  Forget your aesthetic confines and look right within you to find what it is you have contained in you that you've worked so hard to hide.... your soul. Profound and beautiful...

Relationships... *sigh*... boy oh boy do they suck! Don't get me wrong though, I loooove love *googly eyes* (yea I haven't gotten the hang of emojis on here), I'm such a mushy hopeless romantic it's probably sickening to most, heck, it's sickening for me too!

I'm a mess! Well no, not entirely. I'm just slightly how you say disorganized  *gnashes teeth*  I stay looking at those people who seem to have their life in order wondering "HOW???" how do you manage to just keep everything in check and appear to float through life effortlessly??

Hippies... peace and nature loving zen people. You could learn a few things from them, like I did. And in the spirit of setting goals and being better I found myself getting inspiration from quotes and people, Pinterest takes up like 50% of my life lol I get so carried away looking at things I even forget to create boards and pin things. Anyway, I've been going through things mentally and within my psyche that have put a damper on my everything and we don't like that so things have to change.

There I was in my room on campus the entire festive season watching youtube videos non stop because I kinda have no life and I love it. So there I am watching a make-up tutorial and then i see one of the "bf tag" (boyfriend tag). I click on it and start to watch and before I know it i've watched a hundred cute couple videos. I couldn't help it plus y'all know I am such a hopeless romantic, I was blushing and up in the clouds as if I was the one in love lol. Then reality set in that I am single... *moment of silence*