A while ago I talked about learning to commit to a few things but last night while sitted in my room looking at pictures of “cute couples” and relationship quotes I found myself feeling a slight, dare I say, ‘couple envy’…. Yes, couple envy. I’ve mentioned my love for love a few times so that should explain it. Anyway, so I started to think “Why don’t I have that?” “Why am I single?” “Why can’t I have a happily ever after of my own?”…………..the answer? Well because I’m my own hindrance
See, we all have had certain experiences that have caused us to have a certain degree of caution/worry/doubt/fear when it comes to certain things. For me, ‘certain things’ is relationships. Past relationships haven’t ended very well, been cheated on way too many times which beckons the thought “Is something so wrong with me that every one of my exes felt the need to cheat?” I’d like to think not but then that got me thinking that maybe I tolerated certain actions that I shouldn’t have and was blind to many of their actions that would have been the “run” warning sign I needed to save me from the heart ache. That thought made me very cautious. I then knew better than to see a red flag and ignore it simply because of my feelings for someone but then again that very cautiousness made me so aware of all the wrong I started to miss out on all the good things.
Truth be told I am very afraid. Afraid of being hurt, lied to, starting over and worst of all, loving someone. Once you really love someone, that’s it. They become your weakness. They have complete power over you. And even worse still, loving someone who isn’t as vested in me as I am in them… being the only one willing to make sacrifices for them. Putting my heart in their hands knowing that at any moment they could break it and break me. As bad as all that would be, I’m more afraid of doing it to someone else and being the bad guy. Although being the 'bad guy' isn't all bad because sometimes you need to be selfish and put yourself first because if you're not happy how can you possibly make someone else happy.
Yes, yes, I know that all of that is inevitable, such is life and I have to just let live and allow for things to happen as they ought to because until then, the ultimate fear of never finding the love I crave through companionship just might come to pass. Plus I don’t like cats so no chance of being the old lonely cat lady *sighs*
So hopefully things change for the better…… wish me luck!
See, we all have had certain experiences that have caused us to have a certain degree of caution/worry/doubt/fear when it comes to certain things. For me, ‘certain things’ is relationships. Past relationships haven’t ended very well, been cheated on way too many times which beckons the thought “Is something so wrong with me that every one of my exes felt the need to cheat?” I’d like to think not but then that got me thinking that maybe I tolerated certain actions that I shouldn’t have and was blind to many of their actions that would have been the “run” warning sign I needed to save me from the heart ache. That thought made me very cautious. I then knew better than to see a red flag and ignore it simply because of my feelings for someone but then again that very cautiousness made me so aware of all the wrong I started to miss out on all the good things.
Truth be told I am very afraid. Afraid of being hurt, lied to, starting over and worst of all, loving someone. Once you really love someone, that’s it. They become your weakness. They have complete power over you. And even worse still, loving someone who isn’t as vested in me as I am in them… being the only one willing to make sacrifices for them. Putting my heart in their hands knowing that at any moment they could break it and break me. As bad as all that would be, I’m more afraid of doing it to someone else and being the bad guy. Although being the 'bad guy' isn't all bad because sometimes you need to be selfish and put yourself first because if you're not happy how can you possibly make someone else happy.
Yes, yes, I know that all of that is inevitable, such is life and I have to just let live and allow for things to happen as they ought to because until then, the ultimate fear of never finding the love I crave through companionship just might come to pass. Plus I don’t like cats so no chance of being the old lonely cat lady *sighs*
So hopefully things change for the better…… wish me luck!
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